You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
A bitchslap is in order.
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