I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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