We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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