I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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