So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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