All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
You're earring is so big in my mouth
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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