im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Enjoy the penises
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
