why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i love accidental penises.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
