Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
