He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
