is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
