arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
