I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
