No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I will pee on everything he values.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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