I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
