just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
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