The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
