I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
