What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Edward fifth and chaser hands
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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