On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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