I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
