Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
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