I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
