If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
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