Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
