I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
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