I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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