I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
