mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Randomize
