Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
