thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
