I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Randomize
