Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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