Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Randomize
