I'm going to jail i love you
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
