Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
