Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Randomize
