i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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