I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
