Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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