i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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