Barsexuality is the new black.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
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