Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
