took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
