i already hear my dad disowning me
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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