And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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