I met the friendliest cop last night
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
