I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize
