just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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