Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Holy sore nipples Batman
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
