Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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