I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Little spoons don't ask big questions
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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