I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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