Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Randomize
