Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first