i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I've blown a few things in my day
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
