i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.